Archives: June2004

• Money Shot

  I’ve discovered there are two types of people in the world. People who like geocaching, and people who suck dick. So my friend Rich pops in, flailing a GPS about, saying, “hey man, let’s go find some treasure!” At first i was weary of anything that involved leaving my yard, but he conviced me when he said we could be just like pirates, without all the scurvy. Man, i was excited. We jump in his car and follow super-secret coordinates [...]

• Santa Claus

  the Apok has been many places and seen many things. To begin with, the state of Maryland, in punishment for sucking at their unemployment teat, forced me to go to a seminar. Two days of motivational crap entitled Early Intervention. I swear, it was geared more toward preventing people from getting depressed about being jobless and slitting their wrists in a bathtub, than to helping people develop job-searching skills. Our instructor was a goofy lady, who loved Tina Turner overtly, [...]

• Counting Blocks

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** I hate those fucking dreams that start before you even fall asleep. We’ve all had one. When the first Tetris came out. After 8 hours straight of laying blocks and thumb cramps, we all closed our eyes and saw them again. The Tetris blocks kept on falling. Split between caling it a good dream or a nightmare, we only knew that we’d be subjected to hoping for that long, straight piece for the next 8 huors. [...]