Archives: April2004

• Candy Cane

  I can’t say why, but at the start of summer each year, i completely blank out on the fact that sun burns skin. Especially my milky complexion. The other day, i did 7 hours of yardwork. I was wearing a tanktop, as i do. Around 5 that night my neck and shoulders looked so much like a candycane that i felt compelled to watch Charlie Brown Christmas and sing carols. The following day my options included sitting around all day, [...]

• Puppy Love

  As it were, being jobless is easier than i thought. I’ve gotten over the panic stage, now that websites are slowly but steadily coming my way. I woke up this morning, drove Sqwee to school, saw my wife to work, and laid right back down. I cuddled up with a few episodes of Family Guy and suckled on Hi-C’s Sour Blast Green Apple sippie things. There’s sour sugar stuff in the straw. I mean, come on. I had a list [...]

• Penis Envy

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** Bigger pensises? That’s not too exciting. The cooter will eventually stretch, and it’ll be all the same after a while. I think we need to take the penis improvement industry in a different direction. Colored penises. Huh? How much would you pay for a green, or blue penis? People buy different colored condoms already. This just takes it a step further. I would take a pill to make my penis orange, then draw a jack o’lantern [...]

• Buck-fifteen

  So four of us were out to lunch yesterday, and we realized how quickly we’ve adopted to being jobless, when we argued for fully a minute or two as to what day it was. When you have a job, you plan ahead as to how long you have until a day off. When every day is a day off, we find ourselves lost and confused, like Helen Keller in a sex shop. We like the new freedom and the feeling [...]

• Creamed Corn

  So who the fuck came up with the idea for grocery store gift cards? Gift cards are usually used for gifts, right? Gift cards are already a cop out. The “I don’t know you well enough to get you anything you might acutally like” card is often used by distant relatives and lazy friends. Although, even though all sentimental value is lost, gift cards can still be used to buy cool shit. Shit that you do want. Shit that you [...]

• Still Alive

  Sorry, people, again i have nothing overtly interesting or funny to say, but i just wanted to check in. I’m packing up the store and getting the last of the systems out. We’re officially open for another handful of days only. Its very surreal dismantling and marking for sale the same desks and chairs i’ve used for several years. The magnitude of everything still hasn’t hit us. We imagine it won’t until that first Monday, when we have no job [...]

• Shit’s Creek

  Gateway just announced they’re closing all of their stores. All 190. We’re shutting our doors in a week and i’ll be around for another week cleaning up. On the positive side, i’ve been here five years, so i’m getting decent severance pay. On the down side, i’ve been looking for a job for a while and i haven’t found anything. Its such a conflict. This job irritates me. It gives me headaches. Literally, i can walk in the door after [...]