Archives: March2004

• Undead Porn

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** I love zombie movies too. Although, for a slightly different reason. Sure, they’re scary. Sure, they’re suspenseful. Sure, the plots are great and always original. But they offer a much more valuable resource. The dead hottie. I’ve been a fan of dead chicks since as long as i can remember. I recall in 5th grade we were playing hangman in school and i used the word Necrophelia. And i was disappointed that no one else knew [...]

• Alcoholic

  Grossest story ever. This guy comes into work, screaming about how unhappy he is with our service, and demanding he talk to a tech. Of course, if you walk into a store screaming, you’re not even remotely going to get what you want. We give him the manager on the phone, and they talk. (Our manager is in a different store.) Then the manager wants me to deal with him. I go up front and grab the phone from him. [...]

• Marketing Terror

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** Sure they kill people. Sure, they’re “evil.” Sure, they hate us and our way of life. But you know why terrorists really have such a bad rap? Bad marketing. Yup. Al Qaeda has horrible public relations. What are they doing that’s so new? Kill people? Serial killers do that all the time, and they become cult icons. Threaten our daily security? The Columbine kids did a pretty good job of that. Undermine the American way of [...]

• Voted Out

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** I can’t say that i’ve ever seen an AS SEEN ON TV product that hasn’t rocked socks. They filter through into stores sometimes, slowly. When i worked at Kmart, we had a little section just for those products. I would sometimes walk over and stare at them, let the red glow from that glorious TV logo shine on me and empower me like some sort of color magick. Dude, TV makes everything better. Have you ever [...]

• Mad Mad Blog

  I’m watching Mad Mad House. I’ve been suckered into watching reality TV by a vampire gimmick. I fucking hate Kelly, or whatever the whore’s name is. I hope the Primitive kills them all, the Vampire skins them, the Naturalist cooks them, and the Voodoo chick and the Witch make out. Or the Witch could just make out with me. I’m not picky. Shirts are in the mail. I have a dozen or so left, for those of you who didn’t [...]

• The 1st Annual Big Birds

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** You know what i never understood as a kid? Why would they name an award after Oscar? I mean, he was the meanest of the bunch, he always yelled at Big Bird, and he lived in a fucking trash can. Why not name them after Big Bird? He was always nice and friendly. He was tall and shaped like a statue. And he was yellow like an award already. They wouldn’t even have to paint him [...]