Archives: February2004

• Deathstar Speakerphone

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** Wireless communication has come a long way, from the old two cans and a stretch of string, to these crazy full color cell phones that can do nothing short of giving you a handjob. And a good one. What, then, is the deal with these fucking Nextel walkie talkies? I’m walking in a Target, trying to buy some boxer-briefs. I hear this chirp, and then this awful, loud voice. Its horribly distorted, like the pilots sounded [...]

• Gay like Serpentor

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** I have something to confess that will make all of you cry. I’ve never seen the Transformers movie. Yes, shocking, i know. Take a moment to compose yourself. And i never knew Optimus Prime had died. Its not like i haven’t wanted to. I mean, i loved the Transformers. They rocked robot socks. I had a bunch of them. I even had both the red and the uber-white Optimuses. (How do you pluralize Optimus?) Did he [...]

• Obscene Fish?

  **Originally appeared on Duckduckduckgoose.com** I always thought Tourette’s syndrome was a cool disease. I mean, sure, you can’t control what you’re saying, and sometimes what you’re doing, but its like carte blanche for profanity. Dickshit! Asswart! Fucktastic! Think of the possibilities! You could take swearing to a whole new level. But here’s what i want to know. How would you know if your dog had Tourette’s syndrome? I mean, the dog barks either way. Is there a way to determine [...]

• Winston Zeddmore

  I have one word for you, people. Boxer-briefs. Ok, so its a hyphenated word. Not quite two. Like siamese twin words, joined at the testes. I do hope no doctor tries to split these two up, because together they are definitely a winning combination. I was at Target, and tired of wearing the same four pair of 5 year old underwear. So i wandered over to the unmentionables department, and spotted some neat grey striped underwear. Something you’d picture Batman [...]

• Bad Confetti

  He hates me. He hates you. He hates all of your kids. Because they suffer the most. I’m not a rich man. I’m also too lazy to pack myself a lunch. So over the years i’ve become a fine connoisseur of canned pasta. Spaghettios, Mini Ravioli, Beefaroni – i know it all. I can trace back the history of Spaghettios even, before they removed the MSG and the sauce was thicker. I’m old school. I can tell the difference between [...]