Archives: March2003

• Flat Broke…Get it?

  So i had a tire go flat on me. Or rather, not go flat, but blow, kind of like the notes Inspector Gadget would get from his boss. I replaced it with my spare. Spare what, i’m not sure. I’ve seen frisbees bigger then this thing. It spun, though, and that was enough to get me from here to there. The problem with these little pussy spare tires is that they’re not really designed for a lot of use. See, [...]

• Open Wide

  Your humble and soon to be suffering narrator took his first trip to the dentist today, in 8 years. I could just picture the dentist using his hellraiser hook to go at my insides, and the red red kroovy pouring out down my face like i was on the cover of a samhain album. The trip was not horribly ultra-unpleasant, luckily. After a series of x-rays, i was led into a partition of a room. How poor are these dentists [...]

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Possums

  So i’m eating my dinner last night, and to my horror my brocolli suddenly becomes crunchy. What have they stuck in my brocolli! i wonder as i spit it out look. I see this little white disc amongst green and cheesy yellow, and examine it closely. My tooth! Mother of fuck! Part of it, to be more precise. I feel back with my tongue, and sure enough, i can feel jagged edges where there weren’t used to be. I show [...]

• Writing With Icing

  The mornings of a family man… So i wake up and, in half an hour’s time, find clothes for my wife, make her lunch, make her breakfast (at present, my awe-inspiring super cheesy eggs), make Sqwee a toaster strudel, drive her to school, and be back in time to give my wife a kiss before she slaves over hot taxes for 13 hours. I feel like Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom. Only, you know, more evil. Not having time to [...]

• Cats and Dogs Living Together

  You know what urks me? There’s no order in the universe anymore. I can’t understand it. Next time to you go to the grocery store, stand outside for a few minutes. Watch how many people go in the out, and go out the in. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Doors are designated for a reason. Our universe is like a Jenga tower, people. Everything is built upon something else. Atoms, cells, people, societies, the flow of matter, [...]

• Sticky Fingers

  You know what i can’t stand? Sticky things. Like my encounter with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which i usually end up eating with such care as if they were the ebola virus, i hate getting anything on my mouth or hands that will take an awful lot of effort to get off. Clockwork, then, when my niece has a face full of yogurt, chocolate, or a nice mixture of her last three meals, everyone around cries out “give uncie [...]