Archives: September2002

• From the International Dept.

  So we departed from our home of Baltimore, my wife and I, to the city of Los Angeles. This is the first time we have been on the west coast, and the first time I have been in a plane. We arrive at BWI airport promptly at 6am. We’ve been told to arrive an hour or two early, but i suppose not so for this early hour, for we walked right up and got our tickets. Even security, which needed [...]

• From the Bombs Away Dept.

  Fresh on our vacation, we arrive at Katie’s house so that we can all leave for the beach. All of them inside, they send me out to the car to grab something. So out I go, grab my loot, and head back in. In a good mood and sprinting towards the house, I trip on the curb, fly about 3 feet in the air, and skid across the concrete another foot. Various skin and blood gets left behind, of course, [...]

• From the Hook Tawn Fonix Dept.

  Screen shots from actual Gateway employees:

• From the Inappropriate Restraint Dept.

  So i’m sitting there, and my wife says “Mother Bleeper.” And i look at her, and i say, “you say fuck 50 times in any given hour. And you sit here now, and say Mother Bleeper. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

• From the Outdoors Entertainment Dept.

  So 6 of us pile into a car designed for 4. I, being the small one (no jokes), ride atop the small thing in between the two front seats, you know, that holds the change. We ride through the gloriously ghetto city of Baltimore. We nearly pass by cops, so i try to like twist my body so that my legs are below view and my body and head are hidden behind the seat, so the cops can’t see me. [...]