Is this thing still on?  Oh skullzdotorg, how i’ve mistreated you in the past.

Too bad that’s not about to change!

For those of you who are facebook friends with me, you’ll know that i knocked  up my old lady.  Not only that, but she’s got twins!  At present, she’s at 15 weeks.  We’re chugging along just fine.

Anywho, i started another blog, one where i don’t say fuck or shit much.  It’s a dad blog.  I actually found this awesome community called dad-blogs.com which is, if you haven’t guessed, a bunch of dad bloggers.  So check out my new site over at kneedeepinkids.com.

And for those of you who remember duckduckduckgoose.com, you might be interested that Kitsune and I finally gave in to our high school-like nostalgia and recreated it.  It’s now called duckvsgoose.com.  That’s been going pretty well.  So check that out too.  See?  I have been blogging.  Just not here.

Do i usually write one of those ‘this is what i did last year’ blogs?  I don’t remember.  I guess i could look back at my archives, but, fuck that, that’s like 3 whole hyperlinks to go through.  Whatever.

People are always so hard on the previous year.  They’re always like, ‘last year was miserable,’ or ‘that year sucked, i hope this one is better!’  or ‘boo hoo, 2008 anally raped me!’  I think we’ve all got to make the most of our years.  We can’t hope shit turns out better, we have to make it better.  So in trying to keep with that, here’s the things i accomplished in 2008.

Adopted a kid.  Making out to be a pretty ok dad.

Took motorcycle riding lessons.  Got my license, and a Harley.  Sure, i’ve only ridden it like once, but i’m working on it.

Got my non-ear tattooed. 

Survived the Shingles.

Started Tae Kwon Do.  Broke a board with my fist, and my foot.  Made it to yellow belt before losing interest.

Finally got over my fear of touching my eyeballs, and got contacts.  Life changing.

Learned how to tattoo.  Not well, not quite yet, but good for a beginner.  Realize i’m pissing off every established tattoo artist by not taking an appreticeship.  Whatever.

Got over my fear of becoming completely addicted to an MMORPG and started playing Guild Wars.  Am currently totally addicted to an MMORPG.

Finally caught up to the rest of the world and watched LOST.  Holy crap, right?  Time travelling rabbits?

Finally got off my ass and put effort into a Halloween costume.  Rocked the hell out of it.

Keeping up with my stained glass.  Follow-through is something i don’t often do.

So it was a pretty full year.  Many of these things i’ve been putting off or too chickenshit to do for years.  So 2008 was pretty badass.

2009’s going to be crazy.  But that’s another blog altogether.

Shit that amuses me:

When the kid blurts out stuff that’s not quite right.  Like Earglobe.  Like, what?  How would that even work?

And scarecrow.  She says, scarecrow.  And we’re like, what?  And then she undoes the straps on her shoes.  Velcro.  What if her shoes really did act as scarecrows?  If birds scattered everytime she ran through a field.  If crows cawed anytime she put on her shoes.  Could be a hot item for farmers’ daughters.

 When people say ‘I’ll keep you in my thoughts.’  When people are sad, or sick.  Is that really what people want to think about?  All fucking day?  Heartbroken people, with a high fever and the shits?  How morbid are these people?  Or do they think they have mind powers that can make debilitating diahhreea disappear?  You know what i would keep in my thoughts?  Hot girl on girl action.  That’s what i’d want running through my head all day.  Boobs and tongues flailing about.  Box lunches all day long.  You know what i would do with my mind powers?  Extra boobs.  Stick in that mutant from Total Recall.  A couple of friends.  Maybe i’d make a cameo.  Happy, positive things.  Next time i see some chicks making out, ima let em know i’m gonna ‘keep them in my thoughts.’

‘It’s bad out there.’  The economy.  Horrible.  I’m so broke, blah blah blah.  But really?  It’s bad out there?  People talk about it like it’s a horror movie.  You would think that the air has some kind of money sucking powers.  Like in that movie, The Fog.  Only the creepy alien insects don’t swoop down and kill you, they swoop down and raise your interest rates a half a percent.  And the huge tentacled monsters pickpocket you.  What the hell’s a monster gonna do with 5 bucks?  If the monster can’t get shoes or a shirt on, he’s not getting any service!

One more thing that i’ve received:  the shingles.  Seriously.  I had no clue what this was a week ago, even though everyone else around me seems to.  I associated it in my mind with rickets or scurvy, but i’ve been eating my fruit, and i haven’t taken month long trips on the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria lately.  Neither am i a pirate.  (That pretty much sums up my old disease knowledge, except i know a little something about Polio, because of this short comic in a Monsters Attack i had when i was a kid, where a kid vampire killed other kids, and it bit this one kid who had Polio, and then he got Polio too, and he couldn’t walk, and so he was stuck there on the playground and turned to dust when the sun came out.  I felt bad for him.)  Anyway, for those of you who read Monsters Attack instead of Medical Digest weekly, like me, the Shingles is a recurrence of the chickenpox.  When you fight it off, some of it gets trapped in your cells, and then later on in life, when you get old, or your immune system gets weak, or you get really stressed, then those cells can escape and fuck up your christmas hardcore.  It starts with muscle pain, then skin pain, then a rash that itches, then burns, then hurts, then blisters, then hurts some more.  If i’m lucky, the pain should go away in a couple of weeks.  Ugh.  Meanwhile, things like moving, breathing, and heat make it hurt.

It’s been an exciting and eventful however long it’s been since i’ve blogged last, which i suppose i could just look at the date of the last entry, but that’s not on the same screen that i’m on right now, so you’ll just have to deal. This is a blog about things i’ve received.

I received a red stripe on my belt. As you’ll recall, i’ve been taking Taekwondo. You get stripes (colored electrical tape) on your belt once you reach a milestone. Red was my first. My instructor, Mr. Rick, had me perform my basic form, which is a lot of walking back and forth, chambering, blocking, and punching some invisible dude coming at me. I admittedly don’t have a lot of force when i do it, i don’t ’snap’ too well, but let’s be honest, how menacing was the invisible man? I mean, i guess Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man was kind of a dick, but i think the forms would work out much better if i was punching Frankenstein’s Monster, or my old guidance counselor or something. Anyway, Mr. Rick says the red stripe means i did my form well enough to practice it on my own, which i think is just a polite way of saying that i stink, and i need to work on this shit as soon as i get my ass off the do jang (or as i like to call it, the dojangles). By now, i have a white stripe and a yellow stripe, and i’m testing for my yellow belt next week, but i don’t feel like taking a new picture, so here you go:

Here’s another thing i received, taekwondo related. We had a class, ominously instructed without speaking, about disarms and pressure points and stuff. There’s some really good ones that hurt like an assfucker. Here’s a few days old bruises. I had the same on my other arm and thigh:

A very unfortunate thing i received was a big fat lip. We were at the drive-in, sitting outside, watching Indiana Jones and the etc. About 15 minutes before the end of the movie, where all the what-the-shit confusing things happen, my lip feels weird, kind of numb. I guess something bit it. There were mosquitos around. It quickly gets bigger, and bigger. It feels really weird. As soon as the movie is over, i’m all like, “i think something bit me, look at my lip.” Ange starts laughing and Katie says something, i forget, but it sure wasn’t comforting. It feels huge, and i’m freaking out because i don’t know if it’s just gonna keep swelling, if it’ll spread, or what. I keep picturing the Elephant Man or that kid from Mask. Oh no! We get out of there as fast as we can, go to Rite Aid, get some Benadryl, go home, and i keep ice on it for a while before i finally pass out from fear and exaustion.

Something which i received which i don’t have a picture for, is contact lenses. I’m totally awesome now. I was totally weirded out for years about the whole idea of sticking things in my eye. Doing 50 jumping jacks, with my glasses slipping down a little further as i do each one, is pretty good incentive to try hard. Also, wearing glasses is not very conducive to doing things like flips and headlocks. I was nervous as shit but i went for it anyway. The dude, Jay from Lens N Eye, was totally nice and patient. And i totally rocked those contacts out. I’ve been wearing them more than 2 weeks now and i forget i have them in most of the time. Fuck glasses!

The last thing i received, came in two parts, really. For my birthday, way the fuck back in January, my wife paid for motorcycle lessons for me. I had tried this last year, through the MVA, of which i am still on the waiting list. This year i went through the Harley store, which is twice as expensive, but you get to pick your weekend. Mine was the last weekend in May. Perfect weather. I learned on a little Buell Blast. The class was really cool. Awesome instructors, nice dudes in the class, free pizza on saturday. The driving range, which was really just a deserted parking lot with a lot of squiggly spraypaint on it, was a good size. A couple guys wiped out a few times. One guy, he was pretty tall, had his bike ride out from underneath him - the bike kept going, i saw the dude running after it, it went behind the fence to where our cars were parked, and finally fell over, clipping the trailer hitch of a truck. It sucked, but was really funny looking. All in all, the class took 3 bikes out of commission that weekend. So anyway, i got a hundred on the written test, and i kind of barely passed the driving part. But enough to get my motorcycle license! Only an hour and a half at the DMV and i got my class M! Days later, i got my bike. I got a Harley 2008 Nightster, which i love. This bike was totally designed just for me.

That’s it! I’m sure i’ll have fun tales of learning how to ride a bike soon.

Are you totally excited? I am. I finally got some new ink. It’s been, like, 100 years. I’ve always wanted to get my “ear” tattooed, but could never think of a good enough idea. Until now, mofug! I figure, a surprising number of people never notice that i’m missing an ear. I can’t hear very well, and they don’t realize. Hopefully this will help. And the rest of the people, who do notice it, they like to stare (or the ever popular, quick glances during a conversation, as so i won’t notice). Now at least they have something to look at. It’s win-win (or for those of you who are fans of The Office, like me, win-win-win).

I rarely get asked about my ear, which is kind of disappointing. Most people i guess are too polite. (I find that asian people have a higher chance of asking, i guess it’s something cultural.) Anyway, it’s disappoiting because i’ve come to realize that when people do ask, they don’t really want a simple answer like, “Oh i was just born with it.” It’s anticlimactic. No drama. No juice. So i came up with a list of alternative origins that i rarely ever get to use. Here’s a few:

•Remember Furbees? I was working at Kmart years ago when they were all the rage. During the holidays, customers would line up outside the door at 5am waiting to get one. We’d of course only stock some ridiculous like 5 at a time. The doors would open, and they would throw all caution to the wind and run back to the toy section to grab their loot, like they were desparate contestants on Double Dare. So there were too many lunatics and not enough Furbees, and two of them got into a fist fight. Since Electronics (where i worked) was right next to Toys, i ran over to try to mediate. I got caught in the middle. One of the dudes pulled out a pocket knife. Things got ugly.

•You ever wonder how hard a dude could throw a Frisbee? This hard. I never played Frisbee again.

•One year i went to a Halloween party dressed as Van Gogh. In retrospect, i took the costume a little too far.

•I grew up with a couple of my cousins around all the time. I had this older cousin who was a little, you know, out there. We were home alone one day, and we were watching that Stephen King movie, Stand By Me. You know, where Ensign Crusher gets leeches on his balls. So my cousin wanted us to “play” Stand By Me. He elected me to play Corey Feldman. He wanted my ear to match his (if you recall, his father burned it against a stove) so he grabbed me and pressed my head against the heated stove. Nothing smells worse than burning skin…

•I have leprosy.

•Oh, i was in a gang for a while. The Crips. That was the initiation.

Can you think of more fun origins for the “non-ear”?

I have more to say… I keep meaning to blog… Oh! I started Taekwondo. We signed the kid up for it a few weeks ago, and she’s been doing really well. So i signed up too. Something i’ve been wanting to do ever since i saw The Karate Kid in a theater when i was like 8 or something. I’m totally outside of every comfort zone i have when i go. I’m not used to, you know, talking to people, touching people, doing anything physical, doing anything in front of large groups of people, or doing anything on a regular basis. The pushups and crunches are killing me. I haven’t done shit like this since High School over a decade ago. I signed up with a friend, though, which makes it easier, and i’ve almost got the basic form down. Low block, turn, punch, block, spin, low block, punch, block, spin, jump, spin, pirouette.

And i’ve got this picture i wanted to share. From my kid’s homework reader. Has this person never fucking seen a computer? Do they even know how they work? The scary thing is, it doesn’t even plug in anywhere. Is this some alternate world where they’ve discovered wireless power? Fusion batteries that last forever? Magic? Obviously not, because the boy in the story, Billy, has a leg brace, most likely from Polio. If they have magic computers and nano-technology, they should be able to fix his goddamned leg. But apparently Billy just isn’t worth it, because he’s conspicuously absent from the rest of the book, having obviously died from his ailments. How is my kid supposed to learn when she’s muddling through stories of death and misfortune? Thanks a lot, public schools.

It’s amazing - i really haven’t blogged since August.  What the fuck was that?  When i first started this, it’d be uncommon for a week to go by without some lame, inane post about my closet or stepping in dogwater.  I’m probably totally rusty know, and i’ll come off sounding like your 12 year old cousin who just got himself a livejournal.

August was a big month.  That’s when we started the whole niece-raising.  I guess i was hesitant to make that public - you know, kids and the internet, and whatever shit Dateline says, i don’t know.  Anyway our niece moved in then and we’ve been taking care of her.  This has been a huge change.  For one, i’m a member of the PTA now.  A card carrying member.  I attended a hot dog night and they sprung it on me.  I get up every morning and get the kid ready, and make some oatmeal.  I help with homework.  I also watch a lot of Disney channel.  I don’t mind Hannah Montana, or Zack & Cody, but i still hate the hell out of High School Musical.

So i guess i’m a little more PG than i used to be. 

I clean up pretty easily, i can turn swearing off pretty well.  I have to watch what movies and shows i watch (i have to turn off Family Guy everyday and switch to King of Queens or some shit) and my wife says i have to think about serving greens with every meal.  Let me tell you, my typical dinner is fucking hamburger helper.  I tell her, look, it has little bits of green in there.  Not good enough, apparently. 

I also quit my job, got a new job, quit that, and went back to the first.  That was October.

My boss left, and since i’m the only other person in the IT department, i was solo for a few weeks.  Then the new guy started.  Man, this guy was a trip.  Real slimy guy, you couldn’t believe a word he said, backpedelled a lot, that kind of thing.  He started flipping out, couldn’t handle things, and took some of it out on me.  I was miserable.  Got to the point where, and we shared an office mind you, i just wouldn’t talk to him all day.  Couldn’t.  I was in a bad mood everyday, work and home.  It was bad.  At the same time our good internet friend Joe Cool got me a job working with him.  Good job, better pay, the nicest bosses you could hope for.  A lot of hours, though, which was the last thing i needed what with the whole raising a kid thing.  Anyway, two or three days after i left my old job, that jerk boss threw his keys down and walked out.  So, things worked out to where i left the new job (i was there a total of three weeks, i think) and went back to the old job.  And, get this, i gave my notice, and was able to quit early, all while Joe Cool was on vacation.  How much of a douchebag am i?  It was best, though, i’m really happy with my job now.  I work a lot more, at least for the time being, but i can do it completely on my own schedule.

I’ve been really into the whole stained glass thing.  I have done a few half assed posts over at evilnice.net, mostly pictures of glass and half naked girls.  I’ve sold about 5 pieces now, and i just donated Gryffindor to a fundraising auction at my work. 

I also just turned 30, so that’s kind of weird.  I guess i’m kind of ok with it, kind of doing the whole “let’s consider all the things i’ve accomplished and what i haven’t” kind of deal…  I definitely want to get my motorcycle license and get a bike this year… I’m also kind of embarrased by my lack of tattoo progress.  But i’m happy with the glass work i’ve done, so i feel good about that.  I’m good with my job, and i’ve had the whole wife/house thing in the bag so long that i’m jaded about all that.  A good sign that i’m losing sight of being young is that i have a mortgage guy, and i’m really excited because our interest rate is dropping 3/4s of a percent.

That’s my recap.  Hopefully it won’t be another 5 months before my next one.

BTW for those of you who aren’t Lachrymose and Valrik, i got new forums up, albeit ugly.

Finally got the new site (which i’ve been working on for fucking months) done enough to make it live because i was totally sick of the old site and it made me want to vomit in my dog’s food bowl.

Forums to come.  I tried to export and import the old forum database, but phpbb was all like ‘fuck no’ and i was all like ’shit,’ but then i was like ‘who cares, i have like five visitors to my forums anyway, right’?  So, suck a cock.